Hallowe’en: Trick or Trout

Hallowe’en: Trick or Trout

At this time of year, when the cynical minds of shopkeepers and children turn to what they can get out of Christmas, it can be easy to forget to prepare an original and scary outfit for Hallowe’en.

My nephew has come up with a genuinely terrifying concept – he wants to go as Barry Scott from the tv ads for Cilit Bang.

barry scott

Imagine that turning up at your door! It’d certainly strike fear into your heart. However, my nephew has normal hair so it’s debatable as to whether he has enough time to get it looking as weird as Scott’s.

But I have another option and this one is especially good if you don’t have a lot of time to prepare. Offer it to your kids or even try it out yourself. In fact, going door-to-door as an adult has the best scary effect.

Here’s what you do: –

… wear your normal clothes.

Good, isn’t it?

Actually, your normal clothes might be a bit too cool or funky. Get someone else’s normal clothes. Get the most normal clothes you can find. Put them on. Make sure everything else about you looks normal too: hair, shoes, nose-hair, glasses, eyebrows, … You get the idea. Look normal.

Are you getting the drift?

I’m suggesting an appearance of normality.

Now off you go. Call to a Neighbour’s house and knock on the door. When they answer, you say ‘trick-or-treat’ or sing a song or whatever it is you do at Hallowe’en where you live.

Then the Neighbours will look at you in a slightly bemused manner. They may think that maybe they shouldn’t say anything, in case you’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but they won’t be able to resist so they’ll gesture to your normal clothes and say, “You’re not very scary, are you?”.

And then you pull a live rat out of your pocket and bite its head off.

Now quickly move to the house next door and knock at their door. When Neighbour 2 answers the door you’ll be covered in blood and holding the body of a headless dead rat in your hand (preferably with the warm blood still spurting from its exposed neck) and carrying the rat’s twitching head in your mouth.

As Neighbour 2 screams, spit the rat’s head from your mouth, and say, “It’s your neighbours you should be worried about. They didn’t think I was scary!”.

And then walk off.

Now not only are they all scared of you, but Neighbour 2 is now also scared of his next-door neighbours, so your scare-effect lasts even after you’ve gone home. Okay, you may only get to call to two houses, but believe me, by the end of the night everyone on the street will be scared to go to sleep and all because of you. How many other Halloween costumes can do that? (Though, admittedly, the Barry Scott ‘look’ could come close).

NOTE:  I’m aware that some people might not like the idea of biting the head off a rat. But you don’t have to use a live rat if you don’t want to. … You could just use a mouse or a bird instead. It’s up to you. Personally I don’t think it’ll be as scary with a mouse or a bird but I suppose you could always try out different animals at each house along the street so long as you have changes of ‘normal’ clothes and somewhere to clean up in between. Bats are not a good option as people will just think you’re doing some kind of confused Ozzy Osbourne tribute.

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6 thoughts on “Hallowe’en: Trick or Trout

  1. Funny, I like it cos it’s funny.
    Did you come up with that scenario and punchline? It’s wicked, made me laff out loud. Beats the only costume I ever created/wore, Edwina Kitchenutensil Hands. Spent an hour taping spoons and forks to my hands and a frantic 2 minutes drying to get them off when I had to take a piss in the pub.

    1. It’s only funny cos you have a sick mind. … Never saw the film. I presume Winona helped Johnny out with any zipper problems he had. … In Ireland, having excess cutlery in your hands just makes people think you’re about to make music with them.

  2. Alternate proposal.

    Arrive at someone’s house INSIDE THE BODY of someone wearing normal clothes. When the unsuspecting rube opens their front door, climb out of your ‘costume’, and do a little jig.

    Right there on the pavement.

    Glistening, gracefully, in the moonlight.

    i forget what i was talking about

    1. You can’t beat a bit of blood glistening gracefully in the moonlight, you old romantic. Reviewing these comments, have you ever wondered what exactly anyone has to say to get picked up by the American secret service that is allegedly spying on everyone’s electronic conversations? What exactly does scare them? Is it still just communism? And maybe Sinead O’ Connor. But in fairness she scares everyone a bit. A communist Sinead O’ Connor! 50-ft tall and striding across the Atlantic Ocean in bovver-boots. That’d do it.

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