World Cup Oath
FIFA has drawn up an oath that the players must take at the next World Cup. The oath was trialled today with a typical international footballer.
“Do you promise to sing your national anthem with all the intensity of a toddler having a tantrum while off-his-tits on cocaine?”
“Do you promise to be scared of the magical powers of shaving-foam?”
“Do you promise to have a haircut that either (a) makes you look like an escaped lunatic or (b) requires the use of those different-shaped rulers that you had in your pencil-case for Maths class which you never thought you’d use in later life?”
“Do you promise to play on despite being concussed even though we strongly and fervently pretend to insist that we don’t want you to?”
“Do you promise to run yourself into the ground despite games being scheduled for mid-day near the equator or, possibly, on the lava-lake of an active volcano?”
“Do you promise to do whatever it takes to win: assaulting opponents, diving to win frees, laying your body on the line and suffering injury and exhaustion?”
“And, finally, – just a formality really I suppose, – do you promise (in addition to being willing to do whatever it takes at whatever personal cost for your team to achieve everlasting glory) that, at corners, you will pay attention to who you’re marking and, if it’s necessary, take a step or two to your right?”
“… I don’t understand. Can you repeat the question?”
“Well, basically, it’s just asking that you won’t – during the most important matches of your entire career – switch off and fall asleep when defending a corner.”
“Sorry, but I think that’s asking a bit too much of any footballer.”
FIFA say they are continuing to work on the oath and are hopeful of adding a clause which asks players not to feel squeamish about playing on pitches that have been laid over the bodies of dead construction-workers.
[Footballer-montage by Ripley Trout of images from morguefile.com: Trophy by vicky53, Ball by jeltovski, Pitch graphic by mzacha]