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Why Women Live Longer Than Men … and A Remedy

Why Women Live Longer Than Men … & A Remedy

(or “Equality is a Bucket of Piss”)

Women live longer than men. But men, be not downhearted, for the remedy to this inequality is in your own hands … literally, … several times a day actually. And the solution requires nothing more of you than to be even lazier than you already are!

A popular theory as to why women outlive men is that childbirth is what separates the sexes, as though that experience inures women to a level of pain that can kill a man.

But this fails to take into account the fact that most of us men will at some stage have suffered through similar levels of pain via (a) man-flu, (b) our favourite team losing a cup-final, or (c) having to stand in a shop and provide subtly varying opinions on many different pairs of shoes.

equality manflu on couch equality 2 boyfans morguefile equality flipflop stall morguefile

Males empathising with the pain of childbirth

And besides, modern advances in the use of epidural drugs and c-sections suggest that the lifespan-differential should have narrowed anyway, since fewer women now suffer the most extreme forms of this pain.

Although perhaps that change has in turn been balanced out by a decrease in birth-related deaths which, obviously, were overwhelmingly female (barring the occasional incident of an expectant – though evidently unprepared – father passing-out at the sight of blood and banging his head on the floor of the delivery-room, resulting in instant death and an unusual camera-angle for the rest of the video of the birth).

Dead-father-pov birth-video
Dead-father-pov birth-video

And then there’s the fact that nuns seem to live almost forever despite not (usually) having given birth. Although perhaps that’s just down to Jesus’s opinion of nuns, rather than a measurable sociological factor, since it doesn’t say much for the ‘brides of Christ’ that their ‘husband’ keeps them alive on earth for so long before letting them come to join him in person (so-to-speak).

'Brides of Christ' whom Jesus has been avoiding for quite a while now
‘Brides of Christ’ whom Jesus has been avoiding for quite a while now

Anyway, basically no-one’s really come up with a satisfactory theory for why women live longer than men. But I have a theory, and it’s even got a little test that you can try out to prove to yourself its reasonableness. Admittedly it’s not the most enjoyable of experiences but then no-one said science was fun (at least not at my school).

equality scientist female muslim morguefile  equality scientist male titrate morguefile

Scientists being serious and not having fun



  • Get a bucket or basin.
  • Stand it on a low stool or something so it’s at about knee-height.
  • Stand in front of the bucket so as your face is directly over the bucket looking down into it.
  • Pour some urine in the bucket.
  • Stand with your face over the bucket and with nothing impeding your inhalation of the fumes as you breathe.
  • After 15 seconds, throw out that urine and then put some fresh urine in the bucket.
  • Repeat every 15 seconds.
  • … For 15 days.
  • Yes, I said 15 days.
  • (You are not allowed to move or sleep).



No one said science was easy either. (Though I do remember a schoolmate once saying science was a bucket of piss and, surprisingly, it turns out he was right).

So, stand over a bucket of continually refreshed piss for fifteen days and keep breathing in the fumes.

At the end of this period, ask yourself the question: do you think directly inhaling urine-fumes this much is (a) good for your health?, or (b) likely to have a detrimental effect on your lifespan?

The experiment has just replicated (quite conservatively) the effects of fifty years of male peeing-behaviour. If your answer was (b), then you may just have accounted for why the male lifespan has been shorter than the female’s in almost every part of the planet where childbirth has become less deadly, regardless of cultural differences.

One more reason to feel anxious at the urinal
One more reason to feel anxious at the urinal

If you’re male, the solution would seem to be obvious:

– sit down when you pee.

How brilliant is that? How often have you wished your doctor would just say, “Be even lazier than you already are and you’ll live longer”? But that’s actually the case here. “Sit down and prosper”.

Life-and-death choice
Life-and-death choice

However, I’m well aware that many men won’t do anything that might increase the amount of time or effort involved in peeing, even if it’s beneficial to their health. Washing hands is too much for some (and, if it wasn’t for the novelty-factor of using those Dyson hand-dryers for the last couple of years, even fewer would). So, if that seems like too much effort, then feel free to pee standing up and just hold your breath … and hope it won’t be your last!

‘Cos it transpires that equality between the sexes – much like science – is a bucket of piss.

equality funky toilet door morguefile

All images from morguefile except for the operating-theatre which is from silikalamerica.com, the makers of top-class floors for operating-theatres